I am super frustrated! I have been working hard at losing weight (healthy eating & exercise) & for the past 3-4 weeks my body is holding onto all it can. I have been on hormones that are suppose to aid in getting me pregnant and I'm almost wondering if they could be having anything to do with why my body is refusing to go below this weight? We did our first IUI last month and I didn't fall pregnant. Business expenses took over right now so we can't afford to do it again this month. So here I am STILL playing the waiting game and feeling nothing short of D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D! I am an emotional wreck every day! Crying one minute, laughing, then mad at the world the next. I am just over it! Why does my body have to continuously fail me? I keep telling myself, "you did it once before just do it one more time, PLEASE?!?!?"
I think the fact that my Logey bear is now in preschool, has set off my emotions as well. Just knowing my baby is not a baby anymore and wanting another so much! Heck, he does too! He still asks almost daily when God will put a baby in mommy's tummy. In fact the other day he was asking how the baby comes out, where we would be at the hospital, how he would hold the baby. It's so heart wrenching! I wish I had that answer buddy, I really do!

I don't know where to turn or what to do? I just keep praying, crying and trying as hard as I can to stay hopeful. But I must admit that today I'm having a hard time with the word hope...

Wow! So much has happened since I last wrote and it's only been a couple weeks. I am continuing to work on weight loss while also working on getting some answers with my fertility. We have decided to go to an encronologist and have began the IUI process in hopes of getting pregnant with a baby brother or baby sister for our little man. The tests, ultrasounds, and blood work have already gotten my emotions pouring which is what has me here writing in my blog. But it also brings me back to over 4 years ago when it had been a year and a half of trying and our desire to have a baby was so strong but not happening. We then also went in to talk about IUI but by the grace of God were blessed and found out we were pregnant 2 weeks before starting the IUI process. I remember crying and wanting to be a mommy so bad that I begged, pleaded, prayed and asked God over and over to please just let me get pregnant with a healthy baby & I would do ANYTHING. I would hear of others crying and whining that they wanted their 2nd or 3rd kid but couldn't get pregnant and I would think, "Be thankful that you at least have one, GEESH!" But now here I am, after 2 & 1/2 years trying for baby number 2 and I'm eating my own words. When your heart desires a child whether it's your first or your 10th it doesn't hurt any less when your heart longs so much for that little one and you are unable to get pregnant. I definitely am so very VERY thankful for my little Logey bear. SOOOOOO thankful! In fact all of this has me hugging him even tighter these days. He is such an amazing little boy who is so very smart, funny, loving, caring, silly, kind, curious, spiritual, creative, and so much more! I am the luckiest woman in the world to have been blessed as HIS mommy! I love spending my days with him playing, singing, dancing, teaching, exploring and discovering with him by my side. He is my son, my life, my world, and my heart! HE is the reason why I want another little miracle so much! To have another beautiful and amazing child as he is in our lives would be nothing less than AMAZING! He asks at least once a week when God will put a baby in my tummy and I have no doubt that he would be the best big brother anyone could ask for. Continuing to pray and hoping that our prayer for a little bundle to healthily grow in my belly and join our family 9 months later will indeed be answered by the great Lord above very soon!

Hope ♥ Faith ♥ Love ♥

Realizing that I am fighting both physically and emotionally. Shredding the pounds of emotions are also necessary to fight my battle with PCOS! Definitely Fighting PCOS 1 Pound at a Time! :)

I haven't written in awhile. I have been super busy planning, getting ready for and having a beautiful vow renewal with my husband. We have been through sooooo much together so it was much needed and absolutely wonderful. I truly wouldn't want to have anyone else by my side as my best friend and husband for the rest of our lives.
My brother in law recorded and made a beautiful video of our renwal. I cried tears of joy as I watched it but I'll admit a tear or two was also sad...why you ask? Because I looked HUGE!!!! I truly didn't think I was THAT big!!! I guess I always see myself straight on when I look in the mirror & can see that I need to lose weight but seeing myself look that big in the video is a MAJOR eye opener. Its very depressing actually.
After 3 weeks, I have lost a total of 12 pounds. For that, I am happy & proud but I have SOOOOO far to go. Maybe that is why I always give up? Lose a pound here, 2 pounds here...I need to lose 64 more pounds! That in and of itself is intimidating but then seeing my body with that extra weight made it that much more real. I know that I need to not focus on the big picture, make small goals, take it one day at a time, ect. I just feel frustrated and upset.
I have never wanted so badly to be pregnant while at the same time not expecting but looking pregnant. It's painful, very painful. I want nothing more than for my belly to look this way because I have a beautiful miracle growing inside of me...not because I am fat.
Ok sob story over...
It's time to dry my tears and keep working at this! I deserve to look better, to feel better and to get healthy! Giving up is not an option! I have no choice but to fight and trust me I will!!!

Well, it has officially been 1 week since I decided to lose weight & I have lost 7.5 pounds!!! It feels great knowing that I am fighting against PCOS so I can gain back some power over my body. I have truly felt powerless over this condition for so long. I have tried to lose weight time and time again but always let my thoughts of the studies and statistics I've read of those with PCOS over power my mind and I give up every time..but NOT this time! So what if majority of women with PCOS are obese? I am not majority of women! I am me and I will not allow myself to think that way or be put into that category anymore. I used it as an excuse and although it is true, I don't have to be one of the women in that statistic! They also say that majority of women with PCOS are infertile and cannot have children but God has proven to me that I CAN! So right there I know that I can no longer look at it as truth for myself because I am so much more than that. I have and still am struggling with getting pregnant but I will not say that I am infertile! I have gotten pregnant, my body has carried a beautiful healthy baby who is now growing into an amazing young man and I believe that my body can & WILL do it again. I have to stick to the weight loss, stay positive, keep praying, believe and trust that I can fight PCOS! I will be healthy and will have another healthy baby. I need to stay strong and realize that I am SO much more than I have believed myself to be...I AM WORTH IT!

So I have decided to start weight watchers to help me on this weight loss journey. I started on Friday 6/22/2012 and will weigh in each Friday morning. I haven't yet, but plan to do my Turbo Fire Kickboxing workout as well. If only I can stop with the excuses, get motivated and find a time each day to get it done. I don't understand how I can want to lose weight so bad but yet always seem to be able to talk myself out of working out or eating something that I know I shouldn't?
The strong desire to have another baby has gotten that much stronger in the past month or two. Logan has been asking why he doesn't have a baby but all of his friends do and talking about names and what he would do as a big brother, prays for a baby brother or sister and I think his want for one just makes mine that much more.
I knew that I wanted to wait to have another so that they wouldn't be too close together & I could focus all of my attention and love on the beautiful miracle that we waited so long for but as Logan gets older I am starting to think of how much I don't want them to be too far apart. I know that it will happen in God's time & I continue to pray & believe that He will bless us with another miracle. In the meantime I HAVE to work on myself, lose weight, get healthy and be ready for when He does decide to do so. Maybe He is waiting for me to do my part???

Today I have decided that I will NO LONGER allow PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) to have control over my body. It has caused far too much weight gain and has made TTC (trying to conceive) a living nightmare for me over the past 6+ years! Thankfully God blessed me with a healthy, beautiful and amazing son, Logan in December of 2008 and I couldn't be happier to be his mommy! I would like nothing more than to add another precious miracle to our family, however with my weight, I only see another pregnancy full of major discomfort & yet again being HUGE! I wouldn't change being pregnant for the world & long for it so much but I think one of the reasons I haven't gotten pregnant with another is because I am so overweight and they say the only thing proven to help reverse PCOS is to lose weight. So now I am ready to......
"Fight PCOS 1 Pound at a Time"! 

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